We are the mediocre presidents
You won’t find our faces on dollars or on cents
There’s Taylor, there’s Tyler, there’s Fillmore and there’s Hayes!
There’s William Henry Harrison – “I died in thirty days!”
We are the adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable
Caretaker presidents of the U.S.A!

Come gather ’round children
It’s high time ye learns
About a hero named Homer
And a devil named Burns
We’ll march ’til we drop
The girls and the fellas
We’ll fight ’til the death
Or else fold like umbrellas
So, we’ll march day and night
By the big cooling tower
They have the plant, but we have the power

[Lyle Lanley] Well sir, there’s nothin’ on earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified, six-car monorail!
What’d I say?
[Ned Flanders] Monorail!
[Lyle] What’s it called?
[Patty & Selma] Monorail
[Lyle] That’s right, monorail!
[All chant] Monorail, monorail, monorail…
[Ms Hoover] I hear those things are awfully loud
[Lyle] It glides as softly as a cloud
[Apu] Is there a chance the track could bend?
[Lyle] Not on your life, my Hindu friend
[Barney] What about us braindead slobs?
[Lyle] You’ll be given cushy jobs
[Grampa] Were you sent here by the devil?
[Lyle] No, good sir, I’m on the level
[Chief Wiggum] The ring came off my pudding can
[Lyle] Take my pen knife, my good man
I swear it’s Springfield’s only choice
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Monorail!
What’s it called?
Monorail!
Once again!
Monorail!
[Marge] But Main Street’s still all cracked and broken
[Bart] Sorry, mom, the mob has spoken
[All] Monorail! Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[Homer] Mono- d’oh!

My fourth grade teacher, each month, jotted down some seasonal words on the chalkboard, which the class was to base a short story around. So, we go from the start of the School Year and Autumn in September to Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas and the start of Winter, and so on.

I kept the same characters throughout — a character that was clearly me (and nearly had my name) to the point where if I wrote something self-depracating coming out of his mouth, the teacher would write a “No, You’re not” in the margins. (Also, interestingly, he went to an elementary school that was named after me — seemingly only due to the fact that Arthur Smith and I share the same middle initial… How very narcistic of me!) I started the first story with the character standing in front of his brother’s grave-site, bemoaning the recent death of Jim. (Who quickly materialized as a ghost, and scared the bee-devil out of me/him.) So, I killed off my brother and brought him back as a ghost… one who really only played a pivotal role in the Christmas Carol story (frightening the principal as the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future — and, don’t I know you from a couple years ago?).

I don’t know who the hell Jim was. There was a character named “Zeff”, watching Star Trek in the background. But, then again, it is fiction, and literary devices are hard to come by.

The next year, in service for an assignment on a hated Children’s Literature classic Roller Skates, I turned in a scratchy and wonderfully ugly piece of artwork — which has the appearance of having been inspired by the comix of Gary Panter (Never mind my unfamiliarity with Mr. Panter). (Featured on it were every word that rhymes with ‘itchy’, as a descriptor to the main character.) A few years later, my brother insisted that I keep it. My actual teacher was less impressed with the piece, but that’s the way things work.

Fifth grade, and I write a story about a kid’s Near Death Experience. Some tattle-taling busy-body glances up on the screen as I’m typing (it would have had to be someone who’s name is alphabetically just after me, as we were typing in alphabetical order) — and tells the teacher that I have curse words. The teacher knows better — that the word “God” and “Hell” are not curse-words in the context of the story, and thus the busy-body is kindly pushed aside.

[7th grade later.]

I turned in a piece in eighth grade entitled “Norman Edwards Meets the Seimese Twin Brother He Never Knew He Had”. There, Norman suddenly learns that he has a cojoined twin brother — a head right next to his, who has been living a life entirely separate from his all along. His brother lobs Norman’s head off. While going through his day, with people thinking that he’s Norman, this Twin Brother is confused with Norman… which prompts profound guilt in (I forget his name). His guilt builds to the point where he decides that he has to end his life, and assume the identity of Norman. We conclude with him shouting out the window of his apartment, “And You Can Call Me NORMAN!”. The teacher replied with “You can call him ‘Norman’, but you sure can’t call him ‘Normal'”, which — actually, would be a more succient ending.

My Senior Year of high school, I turned in poems such as this one. For a work of fiction, I wrote “A Dada Murder Mystery”, wherein Private Investigator Marcell Duchamp and his assistant Max Ernst set out to solve the murder of a woman’s husband. It’s a stupid story, and the only thing I can really say about it is that the main suspect was a “Nudist Descending a Staircase”, and that I included an ending that was a muse of mind: the private investigator — having assured his client that he has a perfect tract record of solving these murders, at the end, saying that the case is pretty much unsolvable, while handing over the bill. (And, I snuck in the line “Well, who do you think did it?” “Actually, to be honest, I think you did it.”) The other idea I had would have been titled “[Name of British Literary Masterpiece found in Textbook] as Read by an Emotionally Stunted Student with a Short Attention Span Such that He Loses Focus Mid-Way Through.” It’s a five page limit, so the story would have gone on for two and a half pages as a condensed version of events of whatever story I’m incorporating. (“The Importance of Being Earnest”? Wuthering Heights, which holds the advantage / disadvantage of being a story I could not follow? Who knows?) At which point, we’d have a character shouting out “Oh My God! We’re being attacked by a horde of Vampires!” — and whatever internal disputes are going on would have to be put aside to deal with the horde of attacking vampires. The easier path was the Dada Murder Mystery, thus this story remains… unwritten.

I was either going to write a piece of deconstuctive dada fiction, or I was going to write… a piece of deconstructive dada fiction. What The Hell — Was I on drugs?

I’ll finish this post sooner or later.

Looking around the Internet for old articles on the 1988 Senate race between Lowell Weiker and Joseph Lieberman.

A race between a liberal-oid Republican (hated by The National Review) and a conservat-oid Democrat (hated by The Nation).

All I really found were a few National Review articles. The National Review evidentally included in it the “Weiker-Watch” — today, they’d go along with a “Specter-Watch” (Why not Chaffee? I don’t know.)

Thus, Viva La Lieberman!

He is a Democrat who: Applauded the use of military force in Grenada. Applauded the anti-terrorist strike in Libya. Applauded the deployment of naval forces to keep open the sea channel in the Persian Gulf All these positions, Republican Senator Weicker opposed.

On abortion (Lowell Weicker will be satisfied only when the Federal Government provides a bonus to any woman who aborts her child), Lieberman looks and sounds genuinely distressed by the subject. It is, he says, a profound moral question. He opposes abortion. But he would not outlaw it. And then he points out that Roe v. Wade, which turned the country’s laws around on the subject of abortion, recognized the right of the state at some point during pregnancy to extend protection to human life. He was saying, in effect, that although it developed under Roe v. Wade that anyone can get an abortion at any time, in fact, the Supreme Court only meant to license it for early in the pregnancy.

And

God… William Buckley’s “wit” is grating.

Q. So that it is primarily the retirement of Weicker rather than the election of Lieberman that you wish? A. You can’t have the one without the other. As for Joe Lieberman, he is a moderate Democrat, and it is always possible that he will progress in the right direction. There is no such hope for Lowell Weicker. Q. Why do you call your organization Buckleys for Lieberman? A. Within my own family there are a good many Buckleys, grounded in Connecticut. An informal estimate suggests that there are in the neighborhood of 11,000 Buckleys in the state. Buckleys for Lieberman intends to devote its primary attention to mobilizing their support for the attorney general. Q. What do you purpose to do about Buckleys who advise you they are for Weicker, not for Lieberman? A. That matter will be referred to the Committee on Genealogy. It is entirely possible that there are in Connecticut, person who call themselves “Buckley” whose birth certificates would not bear out any such presumption. Q. You mean to say you would challenge the legitimacy of a Buckley who announced his intention of voting for Weicker? A. This is a very serious business. The future of self-government depends on retiring such as Weicker from the Senate. Correction, there is no such thing as “such as Weicker.” He is unique. Q. How do you propose to establish that? A. That is the responsibility of the Horse’s Ass Committee. Q. The what? A. The Horse’s Ass Committee. Q. What are its purposes? A. To document that Lowell Weicker is the Number One Horse’s Ass in the Senate. The committee, which is engaged in research, is absolutely confident that it will win any challenge, from anywhere, nominating any other member of Congress: Lowell Weicker will emerge as the winner.

AND

AND

In a public debate with Democratic opponent Attorney General Joe Lieberman last week, Weicker attacked the Pledge of Allegiance. “Ronald Reagan tried to take us down a lot of wrong paths . . . and only one man stood up.” (He meant Lowell Weicker.) Asked about Buckpac (Buckleys for Lieberman), Lieberman said, “Buckley and tens of thousands of others can’t stand you for your political grandstanding.”

Yes. Proudly wearing the endorsement of William Buckley, Jr. Which brings us to the “gloating” celebration, and what The National Review would most like regarding the newly elected Lieberman.:

And this is a bit ironic.

Hmm. Suppose that, on swearing-in day in January at the Senate, Mr. Lieberman were to announce that, on mature reflection, he had decided to become a Republican?

(Posted to an occasionally visited partisan site — the Bizarro Free Republic… 41 posts in 2 1/2 years!)

I hope you enjoyed the “Nixon’s Enemies List”. It pops up occasionally as a “search phrase” in the statistics, so there it is for, anyone looking for such a thing.

Now, to rid the itch of other phrases sought during this month of March 2005:

Lyndon LaRouche knock knock jokes

Okay.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lyndon.
Lyndon Who?
This is Lyndon LaRouche, and I was wondering if
SLAM!

Since it specifically asks for “knock knock jokes, here’s another one:

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lyndon LaRouche.
Lyndon LaRouche Who or What?
This is the Lyndon LaRouche Youth Movement, and you signed up on campus to one of our LaRouche Cadre School for Classically Trained Jungle Fighting. You didn’t show up.
Oh. Sorry. I forgot I had to go to a Scientology Seminar Yesterday. Maybe next time.

Ha Ha. It is to laugh.

Next up:

What would happen if humans didn t have bones?

They would die.

michael landon initiation occult

You mean the Freemasons? Sorry. Can’t help you too much here.

the bald man is watching

The rooster crows at midnight. The Cheese Stands Alone. (Actually, if you google the phrase, you’ll find a perfectly good reason why someone would be googling “the bald man is watching”. What bald man. Don’t know.

bus fare betrayed jesus for a quarter

Must be a reworking of the New Testament. JUDAS!

did bill clinton shape-shift during interview?

Evidentally, yes. See?

hitler posters for sale buk

I will never know whether s/he’s trying to purchase Hitler posters from the UK or trying to purchase them in Bulk. If need be, I’ll grab a Hitler image from somewhere online and offer print-outs of them for sale in large quantities for a little money.

communist funnies for kids

I’ll have to draw one out for you. But this next one distrurbs me, as it shows up every single month:

janeane garofalo barefoot photos

Are there photographs of Janeane Garofalo’s naked feet online? If so, who is looking for them? This begs more questions than I really want answered, or asked.

I’ll probably eventually have to come back to this story for a “Part Three”. We knew there was more to the case of the Zombiefied Kentucky High School, by definition. I had never seen what the 18 year old William Poole wrote that set off her grandma and set off the police and gave him the charge of writing terrorist threats.

Off in the comments of this post from “Aaron — Geek in the City”‘s blog I find two things to flesh things out a little bit.

From a fellow student comes (SIC):

For the most part, Will was pretty cool in the class (I say was because hes probably been expelled, i don’t know.) Anyway, I cant judge him or anything. I thought this might be interesting to you: http://www.lex18.com/Global/stor…y.asp? S=3046416

Also, I think he has the right to write what ever he wants, but i can also see why hes facing charges. Atleast in our class he wasnt what i’d call picked on, but he was probably the short end of a few jokes here and there, and he probably wasn’t the brightest around all the time, so i can pretty much see both ways. anyway, I can see what your saying, with Tom Clancy and all. Later.

No less informative than a brief biographical sketch (though one that I could probably have gathered on my own), the details of the Zombie Fiction have come out in court.

In court Tuesday, police released some of Poole’s writings, and they contradict some of what he told LEX 18 in his interview. Poole says he wrote the short story for English class. Not so, according to police. They say his teachers deny knowing about such writings, and add if they did, the teachers would have reported their concerns about the contents to school officials.

George Rogers Clark High School is the only public high school in Clark County.

Until I actually could look at the journal in question (which, come to think of it I almost wish I could), I still don’t know what I’m looking at. I’m looking at the Authority’s perspective on Mr. Poole’s jammerings.

And, as it turns out, Poole’s writings include no brain-eating dead folks.

Unless it did. From here, the details of the story get a little bit strange, to the point where I can only say Poole either needs to hone his writing skills a little bit more, or needs to rid himself of his militia-wet dream.

What they do contain, Winchester police Detective Steven Caudill testified yesterday, is evidence that he had tried to solicit seven fellow students to join him in a military organization called No Limited Soldiers.

No other arrests are pending, he said, but authorities are looking for other potential suspects listed in Poole’s papers who are identified only by pseudonyms.

The pseudonymous individuals oughta keep their mouths quiet, if you assume they exist for the moment. (Who knows? At this point, I begin to believe we may have something like the Kids in the Hall “Crushing Your Head” Guy.) Anyway, all the members of “No Limit Soldiers” are zombies anyway (and, even subconciously, I don’t see how calling it a zombie story is an accident — a general sense of emotional numbness envelopes us all at about that age.)

Our nation loses its collective innocence.

I imagine this man’s notebook never fell into the wrong hands, and even if it had nothing much would have come out of it.

A note to the nation’s youth: just for the hell of it, include a disclaimer on every half-suspicious item you write down or type. Disclamer: No, I do not want to exact revenge on [fill in the blanks]. They are all lovable. worked for me. Or you could go with the standard, and more formal “Any similarities with real people or places, without satirical purpose, is strictly coincidental.”… though… I don’t know.

There were two lists. There was the “Enemies” list and a much longer “Opponents” list. Anyway… here are his enemies, as compiled by Chuck Colson:

1. Arnold M. Picker, United Artists Corp., New York; Top Muskie fund raiser. Success here could be both debilitating and very embarrassing to the Muskie machine. If effort looks promising, both Ruth and David Picker should be programmed and then a follow through with United Artists.
2. Alexander E. Barkan, national director of A.F.L.-C.I.O.’s Committee on Political Education, Washington, D.C.: Without a doubt the most powerful political force programmed against us in 1968 ($10-million, 4.6 million votes, 115 million pamphlets, 176,000 workers—all programmed by Barkan’s C.O.P.E.—so says Teddy White in “The Making of the President 1968”). We can expect the same effort this time.
3. Ed Guthman, managing editor, Los Angeles Times national editor: Guthman, former Kennedy aide, was a highly sophisticated hatchetman against us in ’68. It is obvious he is the prime mover behind the current Key Biscayne effort. It is time to give him the message.
4. Maxwell Dane, Doyle, Dane and Bernbach, New York: The top Democratic advertising firm — they destroyed Goldwater in ’64. They should be hit hard starting with Dane.
5. Charles Dyson, Dyson-Kissner Corp., New York: Dyson and Larry O’Brien were close business associates after ’68. Dyson has huge business holdings and is presently deeply involved in the Businessmen’s Educational Fund which bankrolls a national radio network of five-minute programs, anti-Nixon in character.
6. Howard Stein, Dreyfus Corp., New York: Heaviest contributor to McCarthy in ’68. If McCarthy goes, will do the same in ’72. If not, Lindsay or McGovern will receive the funds.
7. Allard Lowenstein, Long Island, New York: Guiding force behind the 18-year-old “Dump Nixon” vote drive.
8. Morton Halperin, leading executive at Common Cause: A scandal would be most helpful here. (A consultant for Common Cause in February-March 1971) [On staff of Brookings Institution]
9. Leonard Woodcock, United Auto Workers, Detroit, Michigan: No comments necessary.
10. S. Sterling Munro Jr., Senator Henry M. Jackson’s aide, Silver Spring, Maryland.: We should give him a try. Positive results would stick a pin in Jackson’s white hat.
11. Bernard T. Feld, president, Council for a Livable World: Heavy far left funding. They will program an “all court press” against us in ’72.
12. Sidney Davidoff, New York City, [New York City Mayor John V.] Lindsay’s top personal aide: a first class S.O.B., wheeler-dealer and suspected bagman. Positive results would really shake the Lindsay camp and Lindsay’s plans to capture youth vote. Davidoff in charge.
13. John Conyers, congressman, Detroit: Coming on fast. Emerging as a leading black anti-Nixon spokesman. Has known weakness for white females.
14. Samuel M. Lambert, president, National Education Association: Has taken us on vis-a-vis federal aid to parochial schools—a ’72 issue.
15. Stewart Rawlings Mott, Mott Associates New York: Nothing but big money for radic-lib candidates.
16. Ronald Dellums, congressman, California: Had extensive EMK-Tunney support in his election bid. Success might help in California next year.
17. Daniel Schorr, Columbia Broadcasting System, Washington: A real media enemy.
18. S. Harrison Dogole, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: President of Globe Security Systems — fourth largest private detective agency in U.S. Heavy Humphrey contributor. Could program his agency against us.
19. Paul Newman, California: Radic-lib causes. Heavy McCarthy involvement ’68. Used effectively in nationwide T.V. commercials. ’72 involvement certain.
20. Mary McGrory, Washington columnist: Daily hate Nixon articles.

More here… where we find this curious bit:

Joe Namath, New York Giants [Jets]; business; actor

I guess I understand why Namath was there (and not, say, the more conservative Johnny Unitas), but How was Joe Namath mistaken for a New York Giant? I assume this wasn’t the mistake of Nixon’s, who was a big football fan.

So… who’s on Bush’s enemies list?

Lyndon Larouche wrote THREE books called, “Children of Satan”. That is why he is so awesome. Also, he knows sea-shell math.

And with that blog post, I know it’s time to bring up the LaRouchites again.
Las Saturday, or maybe two Saturdays ago.

I walk by Pioneer Square. Some bible thumpers are handing out tracks. I look around at what they have in their hands, and gravitate toward the man with the Jack T Chick tract, and pocket it — wholly ignoring the less rewarding and more apt to be tossed in the trash piece of scribblings they probably don’t know anything about anyway.

I wonder if this fellow has parked himself at his now-usual corner in front of the Washington Mutual building, hawking his pamphlets on “Left-wing Jewish perspective” on the evils of the Bush Administration. (Easily spottable with the “Krugman / Obama 2008” sign.) He isn’t. Instead there are the LaRouchites. They begin to sing, something straight out of a Catholic Mass (I don’t know the proper name of the type of church music) with the words “George Bush is Insane.”

I walk back toward the Bible thumping tract-givers. They’re singing in the same tone! “Jesus Died for Your Sins.”

Gawd that was weird.